so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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