How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no. you can't hotbox the world.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
