We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
wanna go halves on a baby?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
