How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
