I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
