Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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