I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
