my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
