I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
