I'm lost and stupid without you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
