The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
