Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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