the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
