i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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