I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
