I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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