I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
