Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
