The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
