My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
