one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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