how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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