He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
