could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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