I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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