It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
