bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
