the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
