Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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