it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
