woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
