i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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