Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
