Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
