you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
