So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
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These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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