Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
