i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
