if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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