I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
