Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
