Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
