I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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