her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
