i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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