Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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