is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
