perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
