You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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