oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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