his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child