Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
