Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi