I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
