How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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