Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
