I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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