So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
