i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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