he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
