im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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