just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
